Improve your conflict-management skills
How can we be more successful at having difficult discussions in relationships?
Many of us have trouble having serious or emotional conversations without them turning into avoid-a-thons or explosive arguments. Whether we grew up in families who argued or gave the silent treatment when they were upset, often feel defensive and have a hard time taking accountability, tend to bottle our feelings, or have trouble dealing with our own intense emotions, most of us could stand to brush up on some skills in this area. I will take you through the before, during, and after difficult discussions and highlight where and how we can do things differently to achieve a better outcome.
Before conflicts arise:
1. Schedule conversations at a time when you are both available and receptive. If I feel ready to talk but my partner is dealing with work stress or didn’t get enough sleep last night, it’ll be harder for one or both of us to remain calm and level-headed. Scheduling also helps by letting you both emotionally prepare for a discussion. Which leads me to...
2. Prepare yourself beforehand. Before you start a difficult conversation:
Remind yourself of your goal. Is it to be right or to ‘win’? Or is it to maintain harmony and respect no matter the outcome?
Consider your own part in the issue. Very few issues are one-sided, and identifying your role beforehand can reduce defensiveness when the other person brings it up. Even better if you can identify your own part when you begin the discussion.
Reflect on things you love about your partner, or like about your coworker, to keep good feelings flowing and challenge black-and-white thinking. Somebody can be kind, funny, and thoughtful, and also hurt your feelings by accident or forget to take out the trash.
Take care of your nervous system. Notice and release tension in your body (drop your shoulders, shake out your arms and hands, relax your abdomen, and take a few deep breaths before you begin. Maybe even take a walk, do some progressive muscle relaxation, or do a solid workout before you confront the issue in order to relax the body and release anxious or angry energy.
3. Consider whether the issue needs to be brought up at all. This is especially relevant in a committed relationship: we cannot always expect a person to behave how we want them to. I have accepted the fact that my husband will probably always be a few minutes later than he plans to be and doesn’t always consult our shared calendar (that he asked for). As much as I can, I choose to let these things go for the sake of harmony. In turn, I’m grateful that he doesn’t point out every 25% full seltzer can I abandon and that he tries to be kind when my PMS gets the best of me. So, before you start, ask yourself (1) is this necessary? And (2) how can I be kind if I do bring it up? Chances are that person is choosing to forgive you for lots of little things, too.
In addition, for many of us, being “controlling” arises from feeling unsafe and often stems from early childhood experiences. This is a great topic to explore more in-depth with your therapist.
4. Ask yourself, what is this really about? Am I truly upset that they left the milk out? Or have I been feeling for a long time that I carry more responsibility for keeping the house tidy and this is the last straw? Try to gather your thoughts and feelings before starting a discussion; often there is a deeper issue underneath the daily annoyances.
During a discussion:
Relax your body. Slow and deepen your breathing. If you can, notice tension in your body, and try to stay physically relaxed by releasing that tension. It’s hard to get too worked up when your muscles are as loose as cooked spaghetti.
Use a gentle startup. In the majority of communication, how we say something is as or more important as what we say. Make the effort to initiate a conversation gently and with respect. Imagine hearing your partner say angrily, “We need to talk. Now!” What happens to your blood pressure? Your breathing? Your mood? This is likely to set you up for an argument. Now imagine hearing, “Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. When is a good time for you?” Take ownership of the energy you create in the situation.
Stick to one issue at a time. When your partner shares an issue with you, this is not the time to bring up everything you’ve been holding in for the past six months. If you have a concern, bring it up at a different time.
Avoid demeaning language. Discuss the issue without trying to hurt the person. Avoid name-calling, swearing, or put-downs. This will escalate the argument rapidly and causes us to lose control of our bodies/brains and lose sight of the actual issue at hand.
No yelling. It’s unproductive and will likely become a runaway train of hurt, defensiveness, and anger. Work with your therapist to practice skills that can prevent difficult conversations from becoming knock-down drag-out fights.
Use I-language and avoid interpretations. “I don’t think it’s your intention, but I sometimes feel hurt and unimportant when you don’t ask me how my day was. Do you think we could have check-ins for a few minutes when we get home?” sounds so much different than, “You never ask me about myself, you don’t even care about me, you are always so selfish!” If you yell, name-call, and blame, your partner will feel the need to defend themselves and will likely no longer be able to be receptive to your concerns.
Have a plan for if things escalate - even better if you both agree on this beforehand. If the discussion turns into an argument, it’s a good idea to take a break or to reschedule the conversation for a time when both of you have calmed down. Again, the how matters so much here. It’s 100 times more effective to say, “Hey, I notice this is getting a little tense. I’d like to step away for a bit and return when I’m feeling calmer” than to yell, “You are ridiculous, I can’t say anything to you!” and then slam the door in their face.
After a conflict:
Sometimes, our emotions get the best of us and we end up in a heated argument. After you have calmed down and you are feeling less angry or defensive:
Avoid giving the silent treatment. This is called stonewalling, and it’s harmful. It will also likely cause your partner to feel anxious and uncared for, especially if they have any attachment trauma from their past. If you need time and space to think, say so, and make a plan to reschedule the conversation. Space does not have to feel cruel and distant.
Make a repair. I cannot say this enough: Repairs are extremely important to the success of long-term relationships, whether it’s with a partner, friend, or your child. If you have hurt somebody, acknowledge and apologize, take accountability, and let them know what you’re doing to prevent it from happening again. While many of us may be tempted to sweep it under the rug, that does nothing to soothe hurt feelings on both sides and will likely cause lasting damage, especially if conflict happens often. If you struggle to take accountability, talk to your therapist about it - they can help! Having effective repair conversations is a skill that was not modeled by many of our parents and caregivers and it’s important to learn if you want to build and maintain healthy relationships.
Reflect on what could have gone better. Notice where things took a turn and consider what you could have done to prevent that. If possible, talk with the other person about where things went wrong and each of you can commit to trying something different next time. For instance, if you stormed away angrily and your partner chased after you, perhaps for the future, you can try asking for a 20-minute pause and your partner will agree to let you calm down without pursuing you.
Find a compromise. Remember, with most compromises, each person will feel a bit like they ‘lost’. Give a little, get a little.
Commit to getting better at this. It is absolutely possible and incredibly rewarding to become more skilled at having tough conversations, and it’s not easy! Once you’ve apologized and reflected, don’t continue to shame yourself or get lost in guilt. Brush up on your skills, make a plan, and move forward.
This is a long list, and most of us mere mortals (therapists included!) will fail at this many times before we succeed. Commit to remembering one of these strategies and practice it during your next discussion. If you are unsuccessful, don’t dwell on it. Re-commit to trying again. Once you’ve got it down, try another one! It’s really difficult to change our communication habits and patterns, especially when we’re heated, but it’s so, so worth it. You really can build a relationship that feels good.