For when you’re going through a rough patch in life
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Life is hard. Consistently, reliably hard. Of course there are times of peace, joy, happiness, and excitement, and I hope you notice and treasure those times when you’re in them. And, life seems to be really good at delivering us swift kicks to the butt when we least expect it. Here are some skills and strategies that can help you better weather the storms more effectively so that you can get back to enjoying life.
1. Be Kind To yourself - It’s important to take accountability for our words and actions and that nagging inner voice can be helpful in guiding us toward better choices in the future. However, we need to draw the line between a helpful inner voice and a hurtful or critical one. I like to monitor that inner voice in three steps: (1) What do I need to take responsibility or accountability for? Do I need to make repairs with anybody? (2) What would I like to change in the future, and how can I do that? (3) Be kind to yourself and try to let it go.
So, that might sound like, “Okay, I yelled at my kids today and lost my cool, and I don’t want that to be the norm. I’ll apologize to them and let them know that my reaction wasn’t their fault. Then, I’ll try to figure out how to do better in the future.” After you move through these steps, when any self-criticism comes up (“Ugh, I am such a bad parent! I can’t believe I lost it like that!”) remind yourself that these things happen, that you are only human, and that you have made repairs and have a plan to do better. Then, be kind to yourself and let it go.
Of course, if we have deeply harmed someone, this process may involve more time and effort. After acknowledging the issue and whatever hurts we have caused, making a plan to avoid the same mistakes, and taking concrete steps toward preventing the issue from recurring, give yourself permission to let go of the self-punishment. Far from fixing the issue, self-criticism typically makes us feel worse about ourselves and starts a negative cycle of guilt, shame, and avoidance. Be kind to yourself and let it go.
2. Know when to say no - Many of us have a hard time saying no and end up with too much on our plates. Constantly saying yes to things often stems from a fear of disappointing or upsetting others, so we people-please our way into too many commitments. However, kindly and respectfully setting boundaries around your time and energy will likely improve relationships over time. Here are a few tips to help with boundary setting:
Take some time to respond. Brains love to move on autopilot and change tends to require us to be present to the moment. When you get a request for your time/energy/money/attention, take a few moments and really consider your answer before you respond automatically with that “Yes!” that often leaves you regretful or resentful.
Pay attention to the feelings in your body that arise when somebody says, “Hey, would you be able to __?” (pick up another shift at work, volunteer in the PTA, watch my goldfish for the week, babysit the grandkids). Your body will likely tell you the answer quickly before your mind does.
Check with your value systems. Sometimes our gut says, “ugh, I don’t want to” but our values say “Yes, I will”. Like if your bff is stranded with a flat tire and needs a ride just as you’re about to start a new episode of Love is Blind, you might think, “No, anything but this!” while in your heart, it’s an easy yes. Think about the kind of person you (generally) want to be and if babysitting your neighbor’s pet rock is in alignment with that.
Don’t over-explain. This can be tough for recovering people-pleasers. Often, “I’m sorry, I’m not able to make it!” is plenty.
3. Take care of your physical body - I am not a person for whom physical activity comes naturally and I was quoted as a child saying that I loved mayonnaise so much that I would eat it on a house. Unsurprisingly, it took me well into adulthood to realize that I am less moody, less anxious, less self-critical, and more productive when I eat relatively well and move my body regularly. Since I don’t respond well to rigid rules (saying to myself “I will only eat salads for dinner and I will run every day!” usually leads to guilt and disappointment), I try to listen to what my body wants and needs each day and I don’t view self-care as a punishment.
If you are going through a hard season of life, remember to continue (or restart) taking care of your physical body - whatever that means for you. If you love rules, then try to add some structure to your week by setting a few easily-reachable goals (like, “move my body at least three times this week”). Research shows that setting small goals to get momentum going is a big motivator for most of us, so no need to make huge, impressive goals. Once you get started it’s almost inevitable that you will feel a little better.
4. How did you handle hard times in the past? - It’s easy to lose sight of our own inherent strength, skills, and resilience in hard times. Most of us have weathered our fair share of storms in life and have made it through them at least somewhat successfully. When you are struggling, look back on your past and identify what helped you get through hard times before. Are there any skills you can re-use?
I know that for me, graduate school was both rewarding and insanely challenging. Looking back, what helped me to get through was primarily lots of support - I sought out a therapist, leaned on friends, shared my struggles with fellow grad students who were on this journey with me, and benefitted from my professors’ guidance and expertise when my confidence faltered. I also made sure to find time for fun and relaxation (weekend hikes in the White Mountains were a favorite) even when it felt like time was the last thing I had enough of. Chances are, you are dusting off old skills and resources, not starting from scratch. Take some time to look back and identify what helped you before and use those skills as you face your current challenges.
5. Not everything is awful all the time - It’s easy to forget about the good things when we are in a hard season of life, and trauma can make hard times seem like they will last forever. Whether we are in a place of financial insecurity, hating our job, struggling with the demands of parenting, or are unhappy in a relationship, our brains can become programmed over time to notice the negative aspects of everything. I encourage you to identify three things you are grateful for at the start or end of each day, which will not only help you to see what good you do have in your life (the last parking spot in a busy lot, a yummy dinner, a partner that took out the trash, a roof over your head, a funny moment with your kiddo), but will also help to reprogram your brain to notice the good parts of each day. Once it becomes a habit, you’ll likely find that you notice good things and moments more often during the day.
6. What can you realistically change? - Sometimes, there is not much we can do about hardship except endure it. But sometimes, we can change it, or at least an aspect of it. When you are struggling, try to separate what you can control from what you can’t, and do these two things:
For things that are at least somewhat in your control, make note of some steps you can take to begin to address the issue. For example, you may feel incredibly stressed about having a busy schedule, so begin to look at where you may be able to pare down by saying ‘no’ to some commitments, schedule time to practice self-care, or plan for a babysitter to come in a few weeks to give you a much-needed night off. Try not to get caught in the trap of thinking every stressor is beyond your control and start to look at where you can take some steps, however small, toward change.
For that which you cannot control, do your best to practice acceptance. Acceptance is not the same as approval. For example, imagine you lost your job and don’t think it’s a fair situation. Not accepting might sound like continuously having thoughts like, “I can’t believe they fired me! This is ridiculous and my boss is an idiot. What they did isn’t fair!” and recounting the story to anybody who will listen. While these thoughts may be true, beyond a certain point (I love a short vent sesh as much as anybody) they are not helpful. Accepting thoughts, on the other hand, might sound like, “I am upset that I lost my job. I don’t agree with my boss on the reason they let me go and I’ve told them that, but I cannot change it and thinking about it so much is only upsetting me more. So, I will try to accept that this is my reality and move forward.” I view acceptance a lot like weight lifting - doing it once doesn’t do much, but practicing the habit over time will make a noticeable difference. Notice when your thoughts start to lean toward fighting reality, and try to practice acceptance instead.
7. Don’t go it alone - If you tend to be someone who tries to handle it all on your own, consider reaching out to somebody you trust to lessen the burden. Can you schedule a walk, tea/coffee/cocktail, or phone call with a colleague, friend, or family member? If you don’t feel comfortable sharing what you’re going through with anybody in your life, consider seeing a therapist for short- or long-term therapy. Lending a nonjudgmental ear is part of what we’re here for!
No one skill is going to be a magic bullet that will make your woes disappear. However, the ways in which we navigate stress and adversity can be hugely impactful over the course of a lifetime. I hope that you'll be able to practice one or two of these strategies the next time you find yourself in a challenging place in life, and always remember to feel free to reach out to me if you are needing more guidance or support. I’d love to hear from you!